Monday, June 25, 2007

a letter from the past

last week i got a letter from my sister nance, inside of it she had included a letter that my mother had written to all of us kids and her grandkids that she had at the time, it was written in 1996 in may , in it mom wrote how proud she was of all of her family, how she took pride in knowing we all developed into good strong people, that even though times were often bad,she said we made it because we are tough people, basicly it was a letter from my mother that i was thrilled to get and while it made me cry, it was tears of happiness knowing she cared enough about all of us to leave us a letter to find a year and a half after her death. because of the situation with my mother for years i never knew how much she hurt, not emotinally although i am sure she had her moments as we all do, but how she actually had such horrible physical pain, having dealt with severe pain 24/7 for the last 7 years and 18 days, (no i am not going into the minutes and seconds although i could simply because my life has changed that much that i do keep track in my mind even while i am not thinking about it) my mother injured her back many many years ago and while she took painmeds, she never complained, never whined and said oh i can't do that because it hurts to much, never so much as a whimper., oh that i could be so brave. even 11 years ago, my mom spoke of she didn't know how much longer she could live with the pain she had, and how now that she is gone, we can know how bad she was, if i had even had a clue i would have done my best to make things better for her. as it was i knew she had arthritis and sent her rice packs i made and bought to help her ease the pain of the arthritis. i now know how my mother felt all those years, she never complained once not one single day about she couldn't do anything for herself, but i somehow knew that the pain was not near what she said it was and was in fact alot more intense. unless you suffer from the kind of pain my mother did (and now i do also) you will never know the joy of someone doing something nice for you. when i was told i would never walk again after the accident, my first responce was kiss off, i will walk again i told the neuro surgeon( who by the way was a jackass and i would not recommend him to your worst energy) that he was wrong, you should have seen his face when i walked into his office one day walking being the key word. tonight i am hurting as i have not taken my meds yet but i just did so will suffer thru the pain until its time for my meds work.

the reasonof the story is not to make you feel sorry for me, but to think about your life and your family, write them that note and tell them how you feel, this letter means more to me than anyone could ever know. when i was going into the hospital both times i wrote my family letters so they would get them about the time they came back home after leaving me there to get better, yet they hated it they told me, i know how that is when you love someone you do anything and everything you can to help them thats what i did so i hope somehow that showed you all. i love you all of you in my family even though we often disagree, and get mad at each other, we are a family and we love and care. think about it ya all maybe your family can have the joy of knowing how you really feel and have it forgiven but not forgotten. god bless all of you dear family and friends,. know that he is always there if you need someone to lean on god bless and good nigtht are


Kathy said...

I don't know why, but most neurosurgeons are jackasses in the interpersonal skills dept. Dr. Jayne (Christopher Reeves neurosurgeon)was my brother's too, and my mother told him off royally for the way he spoke in front of my then 13 yr old brother just because he is mentally retarded.

I've had a few go-rounds with the fancy doctors for Tim, too. I refuse to give up on him until Tim himself shows he's ready to give up, and his eyes don't say that yet..they did say help with the pain, and we did get morphine ordered daily as well as his fentynal patch. And he's much calmer, resting more peacefully, and yet more alert when he does open his eyes.

vicki said...

hi kathy, i can not imagine them giving up on your son, i know you won't ever until he himself shows you somehow that he is ready>many years from now with gods grace. i pray for tim daily that he will open his eyes that one day and say hi mom, thanks for sharing yur story with me, i wish doctors would listen to us the patients or the patients advicate as only we know how we feel, i am so glad they gave him something for the pain that helps, while pain sucks and hurts , sometimes i wonder , if it isn't a wondorous thing that someone who the docs gave up on feel pain which means there is hope. hang in there my wonderful friend. will chat soon with you. hugs and god bless

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